Grieving and Graduating

It's six months ago today that my mom died.  In some ways it feels a life time away.  For the first few months I counted everything - "10 days since I've talked with her" "two weeks since I sat beside her bed and visited" etc.  For a while I thought I would never stop crying - bouts where I was insomnic and up late, turning to my iPad to distract myself from crying continually, thinking about her, exhausting myself.

Now it feels less potent, she feels further away.  This is a double edged sword.  I feel sad about how quickly time has passed because I am further away from her, from our time together.  On the other hand, I don't miss the constant emotional pain and crying.

This past weekend I had guests come in, my brother and niece and my good friend A. and her son A. to help me celebrate my convocation.  I have never attended a ceremony for a degree.  For my bachelor degrees, I was already across the country by the time the ceremony took place, and for my masters I already had M.E.  I knew it would be a huge effort and drain to try to attend.

For my PhD I did want to attend, partly because my mom so wanted to see me walk across the stage, and partly because I've missed out on so many milestones and rights of passage being ill, that I wanted to find a way to do this one.

Friday I was so sick, I was sure I'd have to bail, but Saturday I felt a tad better so I toughed it out.  My friends were just amazing in helping me get there and get dressed and I'd set up accommodations with the university ahead of time.  There is just no way to accommodate the M.E stuff (light and noise sensitivity, weakness, flu and body ache, dizziness) however, I did tell them I had a fainting disorder and could not stand in line or in one place for long.

As it turns out, I was slotted first to graduate. PhDs go first, I was the only PhD from education who attended, so voila.  What makes this even cooler is they offered to walk me backstage beforehand and then I could slip out to my seat when everyone was assembled, or I could walk in with the procession (hundreds of people - graduating students and faculty).  There is no way I would have chosen to do the procession (way way too much standing) except since I was first, I figured either way I had to walk down to the stage.  So, I LEAD the procession!!! (well I was behind the marshals, but still pretty cool).

Then everyone stands at their seat til all are assembled so I slipped behind the stage to sit.  Once the procession sat, there were introductions, three short speeches and then I graduated.  After I walked across the stage where they hooded me and presented me with a medal I walked around the back where an attendant met me, then instead of going back to my seat for 2 hours as 100s of others graduated, I was lead to a back room.  I could watch more ceremony on a screen with my feet up until my friends found me.  We actually all went outside, took a few photos and headed home.  Because everyone else was still stuck indoors, we had a beautiful spot to take pictures all to ourselves.

I took some time to rest then we had a meal and gf cake to celebrate.  I was so wiped out I spent a good hour that night vomiting.  This seems to happen when I overdo, as it's the second time in two weeks where effort is followed by vomiting.  It is a commonly cited symptom of POTs and I'm thinking they definitely seem to be related for me.  Too much standing or exertion = intestinal reaction.

Anyways, not surprisingly I'm in pretty bad shape now, 3 crash days, I'm too weak to do much more than lay in bed or on the couch, and home-bound.  But that is definitely to be expected.  I don't want to post photos of friends and family to protect privacy, but here's one of my dad and me....also a few of my cool robes.  The PhD hood (the behind photo) is big and billowing, the hat is ridiculous in an awesome way and dates back to the Tudor times...and the robe is more the British style, it's open at the front.

A view of the stage

Is it real gold?