As I flew over Lake Superior into Thunder Bay the sun was shining, reflecting off the deep blue water and the small white caps below. We flew over Isle Royale, Sleeping Giant Peninsula, then Pie Island. The leaves were at peak, gold aspens in contrast to the grey rock, dark firs, spruce, and pines. I teared up looking out the window. I felt a surge of happiness and relief. "I'm coming home" I thought. What an amazing place I live, what a beautiful place.
For two months I've been living in a bubble, caring for my mom, and on some level, my dad. Resting, caring, resting, caring. It's like there's been a heavy dark cloud casting a shadow over me. Worry, concern, worry…. frustration, sadness, guilt and more guilt, anger.
It feels like more than two months since I've been home, almost like I lived here in another lifetime. But for two days now I've felt such relief. Relief to be home, relief not to have to constantly check on my mom, do things, organize things, administer drugs, answer questions and explain things. I grew up in my parents house, and there is a familiarity there for sure, but this feels more like home. I've been here a decade and have spent 20 years of my 25 adult years up in this area (northern Minnesota and/or northwestern Ontario).
With all the stress I was under the last two months, I was eating poorly. Drinking more coffee, eating more breads and sweets and junk. Sometimes putting food in my mouth and realizing "I'm not hungry, just stressed". I stepped on the scale yesterday prepared for a 10lb gain. I was shocked. I stepped on and off the scale two more times just to make sure that I really have lost almost 10 pounds!! How is this even possible given my eating habits lately? I guess stress and perhaps the extra activity have done something strange to my body/metabolism, that's all I can figure. I'm still a "healthy" weight so I won't worry too much unless more drops off for no reason.
As for guilt, it is hard to shirk. I feel guilty that I came home for a break especially since I hadn't yet relapsed. I know this is irrational (relapse is very possible and would mean I couldn't care/help my parents at all). I know it is very smart of me to rest for a while, let my body recover, build up some reserves for what inevitably lies ahead (my mom needing more care, passing, my dad needing to find a home with some support, a house that needs to be sold).
In the mean time, I will rest up and try to do a few things here, things that remind me that despite being a single, disabled woman, that I still have a life that's my own, that I can still do things that bring me joy and/or fulfilment.
Hi Upnorth, So good to read that you are home for a break and charging your batteries (not that our batteries ever get a full charge or even a quarter charge !!). When my parents were in a nursing home I did move to be closer to them and as a result lost the remaining few friends I had, except for one. And I had other choices but I paniced -- so it's so good to read that you are not taking that advice. --------- You and your dog must of had a wonderful reunion. I'm probably a little older than you and have learned that we, at least I do, have many places we call home, but that doesn't mean we want to live there permanently again, and some places we call home where we've never lived. Enough of my rambling, it was so good to hear from you and learn that you haven't had a horrible crash. It's a wonder with all you had to do. You are a such good daughter. from Leah
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