Breaking the cycle

After a week or more of doing well (except POTS), and despite having travelled, the M.E. flared.  I am back to feeling quite ill and weak, no energy at all.  Zilch.  I got out of bed this morning and had a swooping black-out. The viral symptoms have increased (my sore throat kept me up much of the night), and I feel like every cell in my body has been poisoned, it hurts to breathe….and my mood, which has been so decent (I thought two months on St. John's Wort was making a difference) plummeted.  It plummeted because I can't do much more than lay in bed.  And while laying here, it's hard to distract myself from how sick I feel, how helpless.  To wallow in self-pity.

And it only took a week of feeling decent for the internal dialogue to start: "I'm sure you could work at least part-time if you tried", "You exaggerate how sick you feel most the time.", "Most people would manage to do more despite having M.E.".

And of course, feeling a little better means I almost always  push things and do more….I worked on some art, went to the dog yard, ran a couple errands, even went over to some friends house for a short visit.  Now I wish I'd done none of it, stayed here in my little cocoon instead, avoided the crash.  Now I have to live through this flare that will last how long? I have no idea.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll ever stop making the most of my few decent days, I just wish I could stop telling myself during them that I'm lazy or a lay-about, or somehow not doing the best I can. Or the internal dialogue that if I manage to do something like travel, it means I'm not disabled by illness.  (And a decent day is relative, I don't mean I'm able to sit up all day or go for a walk or grocery shop, just an outing of an hour, or 4 hours sitting up a day, rather than one or two).

I should come here when I'm feeling decent, just to remind myself to use a modicum of caution as I enjoy the "better" moments/days (not as a downer).  The reality is, when I'm feeling a bit better, I avoid anything to do with being sicker and more limited (including thinking about it), I try my best to put it out of my mind.