I say this not to be like, "oh you don't get me if you're not sick" but because when someone is acutely ill, lets say with a bad cold or flu, they don't try to function on the whole. If they are as sick as I am on a daily basis they say "I'm sick", and take a day off work and stay in bed.
 |
| Frozen river (from car) |
I don't think someone who is acutely ill can really fathom being this sick/ill all the time. It took me two years to get my head around the fact that a person could be this horribly sick every single day and not get better or for that matter, die.
I'm not talking feeling a little 'off' or 'really tired' or 'unwell' like when you function with a cold virus. I'm talking so sick that you could be dying, and when you realize you aren't dying, sometimes you wish you were, so you didn't have to look ahead to a life of endless sick hell. And not that every moment is that severe, but I can count 5 times in the last week where I couldn't bare another moment of sickhell.
So those parts of visiting are all hard. And unfortunately, it takes not only a physical toll, but also an emotional one (for example, just talking to people when I feel horrible is emotionally straining). Then, when I travel home I usually crash or worse relapse afterwards, so not only do I get home and am even sicker, but I feel as if I'm recovering emotionally from a trauma too.
On the positive there are also great things about these visits. My home life on the whole is incredibly lonely. My roommate and I hang out socially/visit very little. While just having someone living in the same house when I'm so housebound is useful and I'm not complaining, I do get pretty lonely as outside my roommate I have no real friends in this city.
I can't say that about visiting in Minnesota. I see people everyday and visit every day with the people I'm staying with. I have friends from my past come by where I'm staying too (because they know I'm in town and I'm not good at outings). It was so nice to feel so much love, and that people really enjoy my company. I ate a LOT of good food, watched TV with people (a nice change), celebrated a friend's Birthday, and even played a board game called "Settlers of Catan" twice. And while I crashed afterwards (from the sitting up I think), it was worth it because it was so much fun.
So now a week or weeks to recover (hopefully the prior). I have two specialist appointments (gastro and cardiologist) in the next two weeks and I'm hoping to get back to my daily PhD studies. I'm moving into the research phase soon which at least will be different.
So on the trip home, I got some pictures of the snow (we had a storm and got 8 inches) and also a few GREAT photos of Lake Superior. It was very sunny and the ice was sparkling again and the windchill was wickedly cold. But I bundled up in layers and we got out of the car for a stretch and for me to enjoy the outdoors for a few moments and take photos (of course my camera froze as per usual in the cold).
 |
| Not a great shot, just wanted to show how 'sparkly' the ice and water was |
we humans are social animals, we all need to be connected in a way. i bet people with normal health could not imagine what kind of difficulty you have.
ReplyDeleteit has been very hard for me too, as i had not been able to talk much, and when i had difficulty to talk, to breathe, i looked absolutely awful (sick, weak, because shortness of breath). for this reason i refused to see people except when i had to (my classes). had i not made lots of blogger friends, i would feel very lonely.
great photos! my favorites would be #2, #1, and the last one. so peaceful. nature is beautiful!
upnorth, can i have your permission to share your image in facebook?
DeleteSure Yun Yi, which one?
DeleteYes indeed, social animals. Because I don't have a partner, and am not close to my family, and only one friend in this city, it is hard sometimes not to feel really alone. Online friendships really help though.
Deletethe first, second and the last. my facebook name is yun yi. let's connect!
Deletesame here, upnorth. i've been a single since ever.
DeleteYun Yi, I think I emailed you on Facebook unless I got the wrong yun yi
DeleteHi Upnorth, from Leah-- Love the photos, especially the sparkly one. Thanks. I'm married, but it's hard when my husband visits our children and there have been two large family reunions and I must stay back home. I could never survive or recover from the excitement let alone travel. I just have to hold onto where I'm at as I don't see myself ever getting better, I only progress in one direction ! So I too 'get it' as you put it. I too have a cardiologist appt. coming up after I have an echo cardiogram. I think I'll manage the echo, but I'm also supposed to have a Doppler of my legs and am worried that the motion of the sensor back and forth will damage my already so sensitive skin and neuropathy in my feet and ankles. I used to talk to people when I felt terrible now I've stopped that, can't take the chance that I won't recover. Sometimes my husband gets very annoyed. It's not easy for him, but he's used to it, most of the time. All around it's darn rotten. When I do manage to go out I like to put on earrings and necklace and a nice top, a change from the sloppy clothes I wear laying down half the day, but then if I run into someone I know they always think I look so good !! I can't imagine life without the net, these blogs, SiriusXM and TV and books, but books take more energy. .Well, I'm so glad you had some very fun moments to remember, but want the crash to pass. And so pleased to hear that you've made progress on your doctorate.. .
ReplyDeleteSuch relatable words, 'someone who is acutely ill can really fathom being this sick/ill all the time' struck a cord, I often feel like some people I know, that don't know me so well or take no interest in my health issues, can't comprehend what it's like to be sick ALL the time, especially as I don't look sick on the surface, it's only when people look hard enough they can see the signs.
ReplyDeleteThese photos are great though, and as hard as visits are, the memories and normality for a short while tend to carry me through the hard days, if that makes sense.
Take care!
Hayley-Eszti at hayleyeszti.blogspot.com
Yes Hayley, it makes total sense. I think that's why I still do these visits even though they take a toll. And even though they always crash me and sometimes relapse me, at least I am still having relationships with people instead of spending mostly my life alone and in bed. I do think there is a limit, though. For example, I have trouble traveling very far in the last few years.
Delete