As I've mentioned before, north is all relative. I live further north than most of the population of Ontario, on the other hand, I live only around the middle of Ontario geographically. I've experienced many years with winters that are five months long, but I can pretty safely say, this one has been the snowiest yet.
I feel so horrible every time it snows knowing my roommate has to go out again to shovel, and try to find somewhere to put it all. She says she doesn't mind. Honestly, it was pretty fun to go out yesterday and just look at the crazy amounts of snowfall and take photos. (I also shovelled the little front stoop myself).
I also worry about the roof leaking again this spring with the ice damns that are forming, not to mention one corner of the basement that flows with water every spring. I try not to fixate on these things, there's not much I can do about them right now. I try instead to focus on how lucky I am to have help here, otherwise my occasional outings would be non-existent. My car and house would be buried in meters of snow. Not to mention the fact that I'd probably see a human face only once every couple weeks.
On another note, it's very exciting, I finished a draft of my research proposal which means it's time for a break while my committee members read it. I intend to rest and do some art over the next couple weeks. I feel so blocked creatively, though, that art might be tough. I don't know why, but I think it's just because I've been so focused on writing and editing every day.
As for my health, overall, it's actually been a decent couple weeks. In fact, sitting at home one day watching Olympics, I was thinking "this is my best spell in a long while". I did try to go to a shop to buy some plastic one day, and I was so light headed and dizzy and ill, my illusions about having improved disappeared pretty quickly.
The truth of the matter, is that if I just stay home and do very little physically and spend my days laying around, I don't always feel horrible. But as soon as I attempt some activity, I am wiped, and I realize how limited I am.
Even having friends visit for 36 hrs a couple weeks ago (we lounged around all day watching Olympics and ordered in food), I was still crashed for 2 days afterwards --- immune system flaring.
This illness really does get old doesn't it? If I don't expect anything out of my life or myself I can limit my suffering to a degree (if I don't catch an infection). But as soon as I have a desire or hope to do something (even small), I slam up against the limitations of my body (weakness, dizziness, malaise, exhaustion, flu symptoms etc.).
I HATE M.E…..it's a spirit crushing, isolating, dream killing, life sucker.
Great that you had some good time and finished your draft. Enjoy your break and hope more art works will be done!
ReplyDeleteNice photos. Too much snow indeed. Spring is already here in North Carolina.
Congratulations on completing your draft, that is a huge accomplishment. I understand what you mean when it's easy to feel better than you are. Somehow your mind accepts your life as "new normal" and it's only when you try to push your limits that you are reminded how very, very sick you are. I recently tried to graduate from selling patterns on eBay to opening an etsy shop, and the realisation that I didn't have the mental capacity to do that came as a very depressing blow. You just have to try to focus on what little you can do, and working on a phd is a pretty phenomenal task.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence summed it up in a nutshell.
ReplyDeleteI am so tired of the pacing of every little thing I do.
There is satisfaction in being able to put our life and feelings into words, and you do that so well, life affirming.
Please don't make your blog print size any smaller, I wouldn't be able to read it. People who write blogs with no paragraph separations and small print I can't read or track the text.
That's a lot of snow.
So wonderful that you finished the research proposal and can now do some art. Congratulations.
From Leah
That's great that you finished your draft! I feel so bad seeing everyone buried in snow -- it's been so lovely and sunny here in AZ. :) Your last sentence definitely sums up this illness. :( Thinking of you xo
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