Getting hit by a truck on purpose.

I feel as if I've been hit by a truck.  And I did it knowingly, on purpose.  Forcing my sick body to do what I did, it was inevitable.  Travel, Christmas, 50th anniversary event, a visit with my niece and nephew, more travel on a record breaking day of cold.

When I got out of the airport in Thunder Bay (an hour late and exhausted) to wait for a taxi, the windchill was close to -50 and the temperature a good -40.  Of course the taxi waiting area was outdoors so I sat on my suitcase and found myself with tears in my eyes from utter exhaustion.  It felt like forever to get a taxi because they were understaffed for the unusually cold weather.

36-48 hours later I feel run over, clobbered, weak, breathless, achy, sore axillary lymph nodes, etc. etc. CRAPPY, basically.

With M.E., the research is showing that after activity, 24-48 hours later there are many immune, neurological and metabolic repercussions….so forcing ourselves to push through (fun and/or stressful activities, it doesn't matter) quite literally makes us sick.  Any M.E. specialist will tell you that if people with M.E. continue to live in the 'push crash' cycle, they are unlikely to improve, and very likely will worsen over time.

Still, living in a sick body, we all make decisions about how much to participate in life at the cost of our health.

It's a continual balance, like walking a tightrope.

At least I was mentally preparing myself for a year prior, to attend and help plan my parent's 50th, so I knew I would likely crash.  It helps to be mentally prepared.  Still, it sucks to be crashed.  I don't want to be here in bed ill.  I want to be out enjoying winter, doing art, walking the dog, even working, earning money, whatever.

And to be honest, sometimes I get a little miffed.  Whenever I walk in front of a bus in order to participate in some type of social friend or family visit, rarely do I ever hear anything from friends or family besides "oh you'll be fine", "look, you seem to be managing", "it's just stress", or "aren't you glad you did it?", "it was worth it!".

I mean really, it's like being told "aren't you glad you are willing to ram yourself into a brick wall so you can do XYZ?"  "I'm so happy you were able to get over your apprehension and stand out in a busy street and get hit by a car, good for you", "I don't mind that you incurred enough physical damage for a month of recovery, so I could see you".  And then I get accused of being depressed or down when I have to suffer days or even months of worsening physical illness and recovery afterwards.

I wonder how it would feel if a friend or family member (one who isn't sick) actually said something like "perhaps you shouldn't do XYZ, it could make you sick for months" or  "I'm worried that when you willingly stand in front of a bus or ram yourself through a glass door, you might get hurt".

No matter how you look at it, it's not easy to be sick, or for that matter, to be a friend/family member of a chronically ill person.  And ultimately I'm responsible.  I choose to push when I do, knowing the likely consequences.  I can also decide that XYZ amount of suffering and recovery is worth it (although I never know ahead of time exactly how mild or severe the crash might be).  No one else has to do the suffering afterwards.  No one else has to live through the achy body, fevers, sore throat, dizziness, weakness, hurts to breathe.

On the other hand, I don't want people telling me I shouldn't do anything ever, either.  I got frustrated with a counselor (who was also a caregiver to someone with M.E.) when she said "you need to accept that you'll never get your old life back, you'll probably never work again, you likely won't do any of the athletic activities you loved again".

I also realise I don't have a monopoly on suffering.  Yes, it could be a lot worse.  Yes, every human being on earth has struggles and challenges: mental, physical, emotional, financial etc.  A lot of the time life just isn't easy.

My parents themselves are aging and their health isn't great.  How will I help/aide them from so far away when I barely manage my take care of my own needs?  One day at a time, I guess. No point in worrying about it today.

I'm hoping this crash will only last a few days.  It could happen. It's unlikely based on past experience, but not impossible either.  And thankfully, very thankfully I'm crashed at home in my own bed with my lovely canine companion for company.

What a sad, kind of bitter post to start the new year off with.  Sorry.

To finish on a positive note, though, I read a New Years idea that I am going to try this year.  In the past I've made a list of small realistic goals for the year, but there is always the sadness for those things I didn't accomplish due to health.

Instead, the idea is to take a jar or container and throughout the year, when something especially good or pleasant happens, make a note of it and put it in the jar.  Then, at the end of the year, read about all the nice/good things that happened throughout the year.  I LOVE this idea and it won't lead me to pushing myself as is my tendency, being goal-oriented.  It is rather a practice of acknowledging the good things in life…..