Will not versus can not.

Christmas and my parent's 50th anniversary are close.  It is frustrating beyond words to be in a position of being ill, weak, fatigued and have to face the upcoming travel and social/events.  I go back and forth in my mind on whether I should go or not.

It doesn't help that I am up and down health wise lately.  Friday I wasn't too bad and even managed a haircut with someone to drive me.  Today I am by no means strong enough, or well enough for a 4 to 5 hour travel day.  Do I want to go? Well, despite my family's craziness, I really do want to go and help celebrate.  But when being ill is taken into account, I do NOT.  But it's not all about me is it?

Then, of course I have to ask myself the question "is it a matter of will not, don't want to, or can not?".  I have learned being sick for 11 1/2 years, that there are times when I feel pretty awful and can still force myself to muddle my way through things ill, dizzy, weak.  Often I reap the repercussions for days or weeks, but still, I can force myself on the day for the sake of someone I love, or something I love to do.  And that way I build nice memories even if I suffer afterwards for it.

Then there are times when I simply can not.  I'm too dizzy to stand w/o risking fainting, too fluey and hoarse and weak to manage visiting/talking, too much vertigo to be in lit room with multiple stimuli, or emotionally, just not able to tough out all my symptoms in public, on a plane, at a party, especially when the outward appearance indicates I am well and "looking great".

I have done this trip and muddled through many Christmases now. I often have some weeks to recover, but even if it takes much of January, I seem to be able to do it. On the other hand, admittedly, if I am honest, my health seems to have gone down hill very slowly over the last number of years.  Is it as a result of a more and more deconditioned body? worsening POTS?, an aging body, one less able to fight this ongoing immune disease?  I can't blame my activity because I seem to be 'doing' less and less every year.  Less social, less PhD, less travel.

Warning: gross symptom description follows:
Speaking of immune disease,  get this! My sore throat last week ended up being 3  large and one smaller open sore on my left tonsil.  It was (and still is a little) swollen, but I just couldn't figure out why it was so hard to eat, drink, swallow.  Then, after 5 days or so I pulled back the little flap of skin in front of my tonsil to reveal 3 huge open sores taking up most the surface of the tonsil (GROSS, sorry).

I get these sores fairly often, usually just one or two and my NP has seen them.  She says "they look viral" sigh.  There was no point in going in for them, but I really do wonder what causes them? Three of the four are healed now and while I am still having a little residual left ear and throat pain, it's much much improved.

So back to resting for me, in hopes of managing travel in a few days.

And on a positive 'artsy' note, here's a fun project I've undertaken in the cold.  I put some metal bowls of water outside on the porch with a weighted cup in the middle.  I let them freeze, then warmed them enough to remove the cup and bowl and voila! an ice lantern….

The only thing I didn't think about is that I can't really enjoy them as I'm laying inside in bed or on the couch.  Still, I put them on the front porch and smile when I think of people walking by thinking (what the heck are those? Lovely).