You know when you can't stand your own life for another second?
Things here are kind of messed up right now (not my issues, but they affect me). But the thing is, I can't get away.
I'm too sick to drive anywhere and I have no money (enough to pay bills and I've already wracked up credit for Christmas). I considered a motel but I'm just too broke.
I just talked to my parents about my visit south (which will be a kind of get away) and they seem to be completely clued out to how sick I am and what a challenge this will be.
It's no wonder people face such depression around the holidays.
To top it off, I really have no one to talk to as all of my (a whole of 3) local friends are wrapped up in this mess.
Its the closest I've come to wanting to just die for a while. I mean if I were healthy and had a support network of people in my life, it probably wouldn't seem near as big. And no, I'm not going to kill myself but after 10 years of laying around sick, suffering and useless to the world, I can't imagine being too upset if my upcoming MRCP shows cancer....
It's just too much right now. I'm depressed. I almost always get depressed this time of year due to the low light thing, but this just hit like a brick after doing pretty well for a while. At least I went a few months not hating my life.
You know I realize life wasn't perfect before getting sick, and had I stayed healthy, I still would have had challenges. But it's just too much. I miss having power over my own life. I think this is the main thing that is bringing me so low at present. Power to go for a run or exercise, socialize, make friends, work, make a lot of choices that just aren't even an option. I'm just so sad and fed up.
I could really use a kind word at the moment from those who know what it's like to go through life dragging around an ill body.
I'm just ready to be done with my life....I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
As for the c. difficile, the form to get the drug covered is still out there somewhere in paperwork limbo. I've improved a bit with whacks of probiotics enough that I'm eating OK for the most part so I'm not too worried to be honest. And I feel as if I have no advocate anymore for my health. I realize I was lucky to be a patient of the only full time specialist in the province....but now with her gone, I feel as if I'm facing this monster of an illness completely alone.
You are not alone - let that be your mantra today - you are not alone - this illness is hell - sometimes you just need that acknowledged - xo hd
ReplyDeleteHi upnorth, I am so sorry things have gotten worse and you are struggling right now. This illness is so horrible and beyond understanding. Isolation and lonliness make it worse but then so does interacting with others. You are being heard by this community. We cannot be there to help, but we can give you cyber hugs, and let you know as hkd said, you are not alone. No, never.
ReplyDeleteThanks to both of you....it really helps to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time right now. I know just what you mean. I had a total meltdown last week...and that was caused by just 1 bad crash day! It is so hard to deal with challenges when your normal coping mechanisms are no longer available to you (like you said, exercising, getting out, leaving, etc.)
ReplyDeleteBut Renee and Heather are right - you are NOT alone! And THINGS WILL GET BETTER! I promise.
I hope you are able to enjoy a nice visit with your parents without too much payback.
Thinking of you...and here anytime you want to talk! Just message me on Facebook or my blog :)
Sue
Thanks so much Sue ....it means so much to be to have this support and know there are those out there who "get it".
DeletePlease know you are not alone and completely justified in all that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteLike Sue, I had a pretty good meltdown last week too.
Maybe you should get some antidepressants if you think part of this is being impacted by the change in seasons. It certainly wouldn't hurt. My mood went whack this year with daylight saving. For some reason this year is hitting those predisposed very hard. Tack on this bastard of a disease and you're ready to pull the plug. I'm sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless. I wish I could say something that would ease your mind. Just please know we're all here.
Hug your puppy and after that, hug the puppy again.
xo
jenji
Jenji, sorry you had a rough week last week too.
DeleteThis one for me is triggered by a bunch of stuff going on here....but it doesn't help that those thoughts (about the never endingness and missing out on my life) always seem to be lurking ready to surface when I'm down. I've thought of Anti D's a few times, even discussed them with my specialist once. The one time I did try them I had an awful reaction which makes me hestiant...but worth considering you're right.
upnorth, i am so sorry about your situation, and your imploding is completely understandable. i would be the same way.
ReplyDeletein september 2008, i experienced almost the same kind of situation. probably i was less sick as you right now. i had no job, running out of my credit card. i met an indian guy, who told me his story. he was once chronically mentally ill, had no job, and somehow carried over $30,000 credit card debt. yet he survived. at that moment, i knew i would go through it.
i recently doing better by lots of rest. even though i am not completely out of trap, but i still see the hope. recalling numerous desperate times when i crashed again and again, i now see some light. so i believe you will be well again too.
i also hope, you don't force yourself to do something you can't. your body cannot suffer from too much stress, so if you travel again, you might be even sicker.
i personally don't think antidepressant would be good idea. i think your feeling depressed is different kind of depression from "clinic depression". and your body is weak. but of course, i could be wrong.
Wise words Yun Yi, I think my crashes most winters are triggered by the travel and pushing to see family. But it's a tough one because I do need to get a break from here right now. Thanks for the caring words.
DeleteI think I have the best online friends in the world.
ReplyDeleteThanks all for your caring comments, honestly, I really needed them.
hi lovely ms. gail. even though i can't fully understand the depth and breadth of your illness or even begin to fathom the struggles you have on a daily basis, i just wanted to say i'm thinking of you and sending you whatever strength can be sent through the ether. maybe it helps to know that you have friends out here? i appreciate all that you are - a strong, beautiful, smart (and wise), thoughtful, artistic, adventurous, eloquent, loving soul - and am glad to have met you, and look forward to spending time together again some day!
ReplyDeletejen
Thanks Jen, those are some very kind things you write about me. I feel really lucky to have people like you who care enough to comment. I am really hoping I come out there again this winter - hopfully we can see each other again?!
DeleteHi Upnorth,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are facing so many challenges and echo what the others have said....you are not alone. We (all who have this awful illness) totally understand what you are saying and are here for you. This time of year does add to it all too. Sending cyber hugs your way. (((Hugs)))
Thanks so much.
DeleteHi Upnorth, Sorry I haven't commented for awhile. I was moved by what you said recently, about not being able to just run a simple errand. You are not alone. I can manage the local drug store if I get the right parking spot, I get a cart and there is no check out line, otherwise I go home. And that's really only part of it. December is never a good month, and always too many bills. And remembering how I used to go out to lunch with friends and exchange presents. That's all long gone. I don't know where we all get our strenght to keep going. Not being able to socialize is horrible, the weak voice. Our symptoms may be alittle different but our lives are so similar. I need quiet and peace and infer from your blog that you don't have that at the moment -- how badly I feel for you. And helpless. But I am one more person you can consider a friend. Well, I'm out of words. Leah
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your support Leah. It makes a difference to have people who "get it" - how hard this is, to watch life slip by while we wait for who knows what on the sidelines. Not to have the power/strength to participate the way we want.
DeleteSo sorry to hear all you are going through, G. This illness really is so devastating in so many ways that most people don't seem to realize. I'm not able to write much at the moment, but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending love and hugs your way. Please hang in there. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time and energy to comment Laurel. I've felt a real connection in the past between what we've faced, how it started for both of us (mono), and how were were around the same age - early career.
DeleteI know that it is a huge effort energy/healt wise to keep up with other sufferers blogs and situations and it means a lot to me that you took the time to comment when I was at my lowest. I'm doing a tad better (emotionally) now.
Thanks for sending good thoughts my way.
It's hard enough having to push through emotionally when you just can't do anything and feel frustrated as all hell over it, but to have your support system down too is just awful. For me, even the smallest thing can set me off (and this by no means sounds small), and I just can't handle life anymore. If you ever want to talk, I am more than happy to listen, either by email, chat, or even phone (if you have the energy), just email me at rber002 [at] gmail [dot] com. Big hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteOh thanks so much DolceVita, I really appreciate the offer (and I saved the address if you want to erase it). Sometimes I feel as if I'm being "weak" falling to peices so often lately. I think you are right, it's like the illness is enough to deal with but adding additional layers and I seem esp. vulnerable to feeling overwhelmed.
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