"What day is it?"
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favourite day," said Pooh.

- A. A. Milne


“Forever is composed of nows.”

- Emily Dickenson

Those of us who are sick, journey through life sick.  (Isn't that the statement of the century?)  It's life, but it's just more of a struggle than when we were healthy.  We have to give up so much of what we want to do because we just can't manage physically.

Despite this, we still have a life, it's just life in a sick body.  Since it's a sick life, it's best to make the most of the few decent moments we're given.  I want to live in the present but I often lay in bed feeling like crap thinking about the future and what I might be able to do if I improve, or if a treatment somewhere down the line helps.  It's hard not to want to live with our heads in a possible future when the present is so tough.

I had such a great week.  I mean some sick moments and disappointing ones, but I did a couple little walks with the dog and I didn't feel so awful every moment.  Once I made it to my favourite nearby city park with a creek.  I was sitting on a rock throwing sticks for the dog.  It was one of those days where the dark clouds mixed with big patches of deep autumn blue sky and sun.

I was listening to the creek and smelling the smell of the fallen leaves (most of them here are down).  The tamaracks, however, still have their needles and they were a brilliant yellow.  The sun, wind, creek, leaves, tall yellow reeds, earthy leafy smell, etc all coalesced to the point where I felt full with the world around me.  Almost magic.  I felt so present in the moment and place.  Happy. 

But today it all came crashing down.  I haven't been sleeping. Last night I kept taking another half pill hoping dreamland would take me.  For me, less than 9 solid hours of sleep can be a trigger for worsening M.E.  My roommate was out until 2:30 am and I couldn't seem to sleep until he was home.  I finally dozed off feeling drugged and awful by 3:00 am.

Today I woke feeling terrible.  My good week ended with a bang.  Back to the reality of this stinking heavy illness and all it's lovely gifts.  Sore throat, body ache, groggy, very weak.  I tried to lift something and felt really hot.  I took my temperature and it was around 100 F.  Yes, a fever to top of this crash.

You can see the yellow tamarack in the distance

Now had I not tried to enjoy the week, had I not gone to my place, I may have not crashed.  Then again, I may have.  But I wouldn't have had my moment of joy, my moment of wonder.  So now I wait and suffer and try to take my mind off my body that is screaming at me and hope to all hope that I get another good week this year, or even another good day. 

Posting a few photos of this nearby park.