Having been so sick all winter, it's been hard to see past the never ending flu, weakness, dizziness, chest ache, low grade fevers, and fatigue.
During my first couple years of illness I underwent a lot of losses: I lost my job/career, home, community (was forced to move, thus also lost daily contact with friends). I lost my physical health which meant losing almost all my hobbies.
While I was going through these losses, I got very depressed. One way I dealt with it was to keep a journal as an outlet. Many days I started my journal with a list of things to be grateful for, or things I hadn't lost.
Having endured another long winter of illness, I have been feeling the heaviness of depression for all those things I can't do (work, hobbies, exercise, socialize etc.), and all the continued losses (career, many of my friends, having children, etc). I thought it would be both nice (and healthy) to focus on a few of the things I'm grateful for:
1. I have a wonderful, funny, entertaining and loyal friend in my life - Teagan, my dog.
2. My cousin and her husband (both good friends) live with me so I'm not completely isolated and I reap many benefits including company, help with groceries, errands, and physical tasks (drives to appointments, taking out the garbage, vacuuming etc.).
3. I didn't get sick until I had just turned 32 so I had 32 healthy, physically active years. I traveled many amazing wilderness areas, and worked with interesting and sometimes inspiring teens and youth. My co-instructors were usually adventurous and compassionate people. Some people never get to work their "dream" job and pursue their passions the way I did before I became ill.
4. I have a home - which is huge since I was virtually "homeless" for the first 3 years of this illness - surfing from couch, to spare bedroom, even living in a tent trailer for a while.
5. I have an amazing specialist. I realize this is not the case for many with M.E.
6. While I've lost friends through distance and time, I still have some good, supportive friends.
7. I'm still able to read (which is a huge pass-time for me).
8. At this point, I am still well enough to pursue graduate work part-time, although that is being re-assessed at the moment.
9. I live in a great country.
10. I live in a beautiful area, so those few times a year I'm up for it, I get to enjoy amazing views, swim in clear, clean water, observe some incredible wildlife, etc.
Wonderful List, upnorth! I find that when I write down things it helps too.
ReplyDeleteSidebar: You said you worked outside alot? I am wondering if you have every pursued the idea that you could have Lyme? I thought I had CFS for 26 yrs...and a dear friend in Canada did too for 20 before finding out it was Lyme....Just a thought...the tests are so unreliable..my first one was negative.
Wishing you better days ahead!
Thanks Renee, lots of folks (including Dr.s) have speculated Lyme....I think I've been tested 6 X now (perhaps more) since getting ill - I just don't think I have it. Mono is what started this whole thing for me....somehow I think I'm still virally ill.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right. It's so important to take time out to acknowledge what we *do* still have, as much of our time is spent mourning the things we can no longer do. I make these lists quite a bit myself and I'm always very, very thankful for a bathtub and hot water (among many other things). A bathtub with hot water lol Seems silly to some, but so true.
ReplyDeleteThis disease in particular is quite cruel, in that you feel a bit better one day and think, ah I'm getting better. And just when you think you've turned a corner *boom* flat on your back again. It's not only physically exhausting, it's mentally abusive.
I'm glad you have so many wonderful things that you can still file within the grateful folder.
stay strong,
jenji
I'm so sorry this winter has been such a hard one. This illness does ask alot of us doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteI love your list. You absolutley do live in a beatiful area and love to look at your photos when I come here.
I think reminding ourselves of what we have is always a great tool for keep our mind and hearts focused on what is important, which is what is in front of us - not what is in the past or what may or may not be in the future.
Hugs! I hope you are having a better day today! ;-)
I love your idea of writing a list of the things we are thankful for....and I love your list. I agree wholeheartedly with your number nine and your number 10....we are truly blessed!
ReplyDeleteA reminder to write my own gratitude list. Love your attitude Upnorth. Hang in and don't lose hope.
ReplyDeleteJenji - it sure is "mentaly abusive"....really!!
ReplyDeleteHow about you? How are you doing this week?
You've had a rough patch too lately haven't you?
Thanks Dominique, yes I think consciously focusing on the positive is a way to see what we DO have to live for esp. after a winter like ours (and I'm not as sick as you are)...I'm not feeling much better honestly, but like you said, am trying not to focus on the past or future.
ReplyDeleteAt HOme on the Rock....yes we are so lucky to live in this country. And by the way, Newfoundland is on my top 5 most beautiful places I've visited in my life!
ReplyDeleteJo - thanks for the encouragment...and "hope" is my theme of the month, really trying to focus on hope.
It's good to focus on the good things we have. I try to do it as much as I can. Your job sounded really exciting. I'd have to agree from your photos, that you live in a lovely area!
ReplyDeleteI hope you get back to your more 'normal' level soon. xx
Gratefulness can be a huge boost!! Like you, when I first got ill and was struggling with depression and loss, I began keeping a Joy Journal - jotting down at the end of each day what brought me joy. Sometimes it was something as simple as seeing flowers in bloom or feeling the sunshine on my deck, but there was always something. Over time, I just found I had developed a habit of noticing and feeling grateful for all the blessings in my life.
ReplyDeleteLike you, all of my favorite activities pre-illness were outdoor activities - hiking, backpacking, canoeing, camping, etc. And, like you, I am hugely grateful I can still read - it helps me so much!
Great list and good for you for doing something positive to boost yourself up - I hope it helped!
Sue