Art and me (M.E.)

When I was in my last two years of high school, I went to a Christian boarding school. It wasn't a super strict school, however, there were lots of rules as well as a dress code. I remember one day walking past a friend's art class ( painting and drawing) and noticing how informal it looked. People were painting, walking around and socializing, and my friend was standing there in bare feet!!! I went in and visited for a minute (the teacher didn't seem to care) and decided that the next year I would take painting and drawing.

Now let me back up a bit to give you some insight into how strange a move this was for me.....I hated painting and drawing!! I grew up in a family with three brothers, two of whom were VERY artistically talented. My oldest brother ended up with a degree in fine art, and my younger brother was so talented that at the age of four (rather than stick figures with those giant heads that most 4 year olds draw) he was drawing full fledged people with facial expressions, muscles, and "in action". Whenever I sat down to draw I was intimidated to say the least. And I was often disappointed with the outcomes of my efforts - things never looked like I wanted them to.

So in my senior year (grade 12) I did take that drawing and painting class and for the first time, I started to enjoy doing art. The teacher was an excellent teacher (and a super nice guy). He taught us all kinds of techniques to use (that I still find myself using). I learned about perspective and how to see things differently. I learnt some about light and shadow. And I learned a little about colour. I gained confidence and most importantly realized I liked to draw and paint!

Of course my passions and good fortune led me to a career in outdoor/experiential/environmental education. But after becoming ill, I started to occasionally take up art again. I by no means think of myself as a talented artist. But (sometimes) I enjoy doing it. And maybe one out of every 25 pieces I make (printmaking or watercolour painting) I'm happy with. I think when you suffer something as life-changing and challenging as this illness, it's nice to have a creative outlet.

So this winter I signed up for a once a week art course. However, I've been mostly house bound for the last two and 1/2 weeks so I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go (it starts next week). It's been a really tough few weeks for me. My worst crash/relapse since last winter/spring.

For example, I had to take a half hour rest last week:
-after doing the dishes even sitting on a stool
-after taking a bath

The flu/malaise was so severe I really wondered how I wasn't dying.
I mostly laid in bed or on the couch the last 2 1/2 weeks.
For a week I had some serious blisters in my throat making eating/drinking hard.
At my Dr. appointment evidently I had a low-grade fever and some swollen glands (which is part and parcel for how it goes when I'm in a crash - my case of M.E. is very viral)

Just yesterday and today, however, I've felt the severe M.E. easing up.

So today I tried painting (without much success, but I'll post here anyways). It's a card with chickadees.

I'm also posting a photo of my favourite nearby park where I love to take my dog for a walk when I'm up to it. It's nice because it's so beautiful, there's a creek running through it, I can have the dog off-leash, and short-walk options are available.

What are your creative outlets when you have the energy (or don't)?
Do you think there is healing power in tapping into creativity?

The chronicity of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis

I know it's a strange thing to write, but I'm really feeling the chronicity of this illness lately.

I'm not the sickest I've ever been, but I'm going though a two-week bad patch. I think it's a combination of winter blues and the after effects of the cold virus I had over Christmas and New Years. Strangely, often during a cold, my M.E. symptoms improve, but then after I've fought off the cold, I have a crash.

I'm thinking about how much endurance it takes in order to deal with an illness like this. I woke up this morning and couldn't believe how ill I felt (should it really be a surprise after 8 years??). I'm having trouble remembering back to how a "well" body feels....it seems a long time ago. And looking to the future I'm having trouble envisioning a time where I'm not feeling the heavy burden of this sickness.

Coping: One way I cope is to try not to think backwards or forwards, rather just to focus on one little thing today. Maybe it's reading a paper for the online course I'm taking. Maybe it's just getting dressed. Maybe it's my morning coffee, eating a piece of chocolate or writing an email. I try mostly not to think too much outside the simple every day tasks of today.

How do you cope with the chronicity of it all?

The photo is one I took new years day. My roommate and I drove to an overlook in the city for a little outing and some air.

I've also posted a new poll of the month. I took the Canadian Clinical definition for M.E. and listed the categories. I was interested in which symptoms (outside the fatigue and post-exertional malaise) were worst for folks?

My specialist was one of the authors who wrote the definition. I'm one of those odd folks who doesn't really have the pain and the sleep issues but has been diagnosed with M.E. based on fitting the remainder of the definition and having had a sudden post-infectious onset. http://www.cfids-cab.org/MESA/ccpccd.pdf
For an outline of the definition go to page 5 of the document (I'm one of those asterisks)

Sick of being sick.........

Anyone with chronic illness can relate to the feeling - that is, "I'm so sick of being sick". I had a goal of trying to pace and rest better through the month of January. I got out the old "activity log" my specialist developed and have been trying to record my activities and rest better. Seeing how little I do in a day has only added to the depression I've been experiencing lately.

For some reason I'm quite depressed. I just can't seem to come to terms right now with how long I've been sick. I feel like my life lacks meaning. Intellectually I realize it could be a lot worse. I know I have things I CAN and should be thankful for. But I've just been laying around feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately I'm also (for me) fairly wiped so "doing something" to cheer myself up isn't working. Yesterday I went to Staples (my roommate drove) for 10 min but spent the rest the day in bed. So when I "do something" to cheer myself up I'm back in bed feeling sicker which makes me more depressed.

Hopefully I'll find a way to come around. Sorry for such a negative post. It's funny, because I do go through little periods of sadness/depression, but in general I think I'm a pretty positive/optimistic person. I'm not quite sure why I'm in such a slump. Ideas?

Oh, and I listened to a really good talk given by Dr. Stein (a Canadian ME/CFS specialist). You can find it here: http://www.meao.ca/events-past.html
I listened to the audio but downloaded the slides too, so it was almost like being there. I found the talk to be quite interesting. And I get the sense that she actually has ME? but I'm not sure.