Update

The cold virus moved through quickly. I had two days of feeling really ill followed by a two day crash (from the cold?) where I was reminded that I hate the sick feeling of M.E. far worse than the sick feeling caused by a cold. However, both suck.

I'm still crazy busy. In fact, last week I worked 22 hours total (more than half of that at home, but still!!!). I'm in shock that I'm managing, but I'm not complaining. In the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder if I'm going to cross a line and incur a relapse, but at the same time, I want to make the most of it for now, rather than be dictated by fear. I have about five more weeks to go at this pace.

I've been in a dark place psychologically, on days where I'm feeling especially sick lately. I'm not sure if it's because I have to push through despite feeling so ill. I've been thinking things like "I just can't take this constant sick anymore." or "I feel so alone." or "How can I manage another day in this body?". Partly it's knowing that no matter how sick I am, no one to date has really been able to help. And while I know I'm quite ill, I also realize I look healthy. If I share with someone how ill I feel, the fact that I look perfectly well makes my complaint seem dramatic....so mostly I just try to suffer in silence....this only adds to my feelings of isolation.

But I don't' know if I'd be happy if I wasn't doing anything. Ultimately, I really love the teaching. I love connecting with people and feeling like I have something to offer. And the editing work too, has been really rewarding. I've learnt so much. The way things have worked out I just have a little too much on my plate right now, but that's temporary. There are only four weeks of teaching left and the editing/writing work is almost over.

I've posted a couple photos from a few weeks ago. I was trying to capture my favourite season at a nearby park.

Next week I'll post a new "poll of the month" and provide an update on my neutropenia. I have an appointment with my NP to find out if it's improved at all.

cold virus

I've got a nasty cold. The funny thing is that it took me three days before I realized/confirmed it was a cold. M.E. is such a "viral" experience for me that with the sore throat, body ache, and fatigue I thought it was just a "flare" or crash due to the fact that I've been doing so much. When the sinus infection hit yesterday afternoon/evening, I finally clued in.

I taught my class today despite the cold and made it through fine. Now I'm in bed and will stay here for a day or so. I'm feeling so so so so exhausted and sick. Hopefully I'll do my proper weekly blog entry and catch up on people's blogs by next weekend, once I'm feeling better. I hope my readers are doing well.

The Beauty of the "North"

I live in an amazingly beautiful place. Between Lake Superior (largest freshwater lake in the world), views of it's islands and peninsulas, as well as the local rocky hills, woods, creeks, rivers and inland lakes, there is natural beauty almost everywhere I look.

This time of year has become my favourite. I love the cool sunny days when the leaves are starting to turn and all the fall wildflowers are in bloom (asters, goldenrod etc). In the north (north is relative of course), the red osier dogwood leaves turn a brilliant red. I'm posting a few photos from previous years capturing the early fall days in my local region.

My love of this time of year is influenced by the fact that I have better health/more strength in the fall. I don't have to spend every minute feeling completely ill. My fall upswing seems to be here at last!! I been quite busy for me, and sometimes I wonder if I could do more/be more active other times of year as well? I question whether this yearly fall upswing is partly psychological? However, then I remind myself of times like last spring where I DID try to push myself to do more and as a result got so ill I had to spend days at a time, mostly in bed.

For me (by my standards), I've been really busy both teaching and working on an academic journal as an editorial assistant. I've been feeling stressed about everything I have to do. I need to remember just to take it day by day and not worry too much. I need to take a deep breath. As those of you who are ill know, we can't always control when a relapse or crash day will hit. Worrying about it just doesn't help.

I had a couple afternoons this past week where I just felt so ill I couldn't bear it - I didn't want to go on, I didn't want to spend another moment in this body. Luckily I know by now it's just a matter of "sticking it out" for a better day, better week. Those times when things aren't too bad. Those days that are very much worth living for.

Despite the bad afternoons, overall, I'm really happy with how I'm managing health-wise. And looking at this month's poll I have to remember to count my blessings that I function as well as I do. Yes, I have to deal with being sick and weaker than I'd like. But I DO have some functionality and I AM able to do some things.....I need to remember to be grateful for what I do have.

Feels like a new season

The temperature has dropped drastically. Summer feels over. Of course in a week it could be warm again. Also, what with the semester starting and two classes under my belt already, it feels like fall. The Monday class was sweltering hot - unbelievably hot. I was dizzy, but coped and the class went OK. Thursday I have a smaller group and it was cooler. I felt quite ill that afternoon but still manged to "rally" and I enjoyed the group and teaching that day.

One of my goals this past summer was to try to camp, hopefully somewhere wildernessy. It didn't happen. I was sicker than usual this summer and I don't think it will happen unless my health improves or I have help to make it happen (e.g. someone else does all the planning, packing, driving, everything). Maybe next year, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. My friend (and housemate) Sue did take me to a friend's house on a lake for the day. It was like a mini vacation without the camping part. We lay on the dock, took a picnic lunch, motored around the lake with the electric motorboat and I even did a super short paddle in the little solo canoe. It was a wonderful day. I crashed for a few days afterwards, however, I think it was worth it just to get out.

I have a new poll of the month up, feel free to vote.