I just realized that I began this blog prior to starting a PhD program one year ago. After a year of successfully completing every element of the program to date (albeit with accommodations in two out of three of my classes), I've decided to take a medical leave of absence this summer.
After a week of attempting a work schedule including two hours work a day at home (reading, writing, editing) and an outing of 1/2hr-3hrs at least every other day I decided I wasn't up for the one month course in July. After five days of this amount of activity I was crashed in bed feeling terrible. I realized that while I may have succeeded to make it through the one month course, I would have been pushing myself to the limit - enduring a lot of days of feeling like viral fatigue hell. I decided after a long winter/spring of feeling awful, that I don't want to put myself intentionally through another season of it. Perhaps me and my body deserve to rest up and feel good some of the time this summer.
Also, I teach a class (4hrs of teaching a week) in the fall which I LOVE. If I push all summer there is a chance of relapse which would entail having to opt out on the fall teaching.
So, I'm still going to work on stuff this summer (attempt to write a literature review), visit family and friends, garden and lay in bed or out in my lounge chair in the backyard.
Being someone who likes to "achieve", I'm trying NOT to feel bad about my decision. Sometimes I need to accept that I'm ill and give myself a break - literally and metaphorically.
Hiya, new follower of your blog :) Just wanted to say I know how you feel. A year ago, I turned down an offer for a PhD program to manage my health because I was in bad shape...not that I'm much better now haha. I felt so bad about making that choice, like I was letting myself down and not "achieving"! But looking back on it now, I can't imagine starting up something like that and I'm so glad I made that decision. So good for you for giving yourself a break :)
ReplyDeleteA very wise decision if I may say so. You gotta put all your energy into recovery (except for the nice stuff that stops you going crazy). There's more to life than qualifications. Enjoy your Summer :-)
ReplyDeleteYou know. I think you made the right decision. I was talking with someone recently who reminded me that we never know where that line of no return is. We all assume it's way out in yonder but we don't know for sure.
ReplyDeleteI think it is wiser to do less now and kind of create an 'energy' savings account if you will that will hopefully carry you through the one month period.
Don't feel guilty because you made this decision. I was quite impressed that you were thinking about trying to complete your PHd. That means you already did a BA and a MA! That deserves accolades and applause. Even if you never get any further.
I look at my BA (was that ever hard) and I am so thankful I did it, even if it took 7 years, and I'm proud of what I have accomplished thus far, even if that is the last thing I do for a long while ... or ever.
Enjoy your summer! :-)
You made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteI pushed myself to take on a full scholarship to an MFA program this past fall and it just about killed me. I finally had to relinquish my scholarship in January because I was unable to both teach classes and carry on my grad classes at the same time (teaching exchange for scholarship, even though it clearly states that there is no service requirement, as it was awarded strictly for academic merit. misleading if you ask me). Do I regret having tried? I'm starting to think so since I've been dealing with a perpetual state of flare since Oct 2009 and a boatload of other bodily issues have sprouted about since that time.
I really think you've made the right choice. Sometimes we have to give our bodies a break despite the chatter of our inner ambitions and it seems there are many individuals with chronic illnesses who battle the urge--the need--to achieve what their body could at one time achieved without a second thought. It just is what it is.
jenji
Hi all, thanks for the comments and support. It's surprising the reactions I've got. Some people think its a good choice, others see it as me "giving up or giving in". However, it's not like I'm quiting, just taking a break.
ReplyDeleteYes Jenji, I totally know what you mean about "the chatter of our inner ambitions". I don't want to lie down and give up, but then that's exactly what my body wants sometimes.
And DOminique, I got both my bachelors and worked for 8 years before I got sick, so I had no health struggles to deal with. In fact I'd say I was more active and healthy than the average student back then.
The masters I got part-time making use of accomodations. But since I don't get a lot of brain fog the part-time student thing has been a good fit for me.
I have no doubt that you made the right choice! And a bold one at that. I know that it wasn't an easy decision to make, since I know well how ambitious and driven a person you are. I applaude you for taking "the hard road" and putting your other priorities on hold for a while to focus on yourself and your health! You're an amazingly strong woman, my friend!
ReplyDeleteEve
Thanks Eve, I so appreciate your support and friendship....I hope you're well. :)
ReplyDeleteyeah it's hard when you are someone who has ambition and like 'achieve' .... I really struggle to sit still because my mind is full of everything I coud be achieving if only I could GET UP OFF THE COUCH!!!! hahahaha ... there is always tomorrow I guess, and when you know you need to rest then you just have to go with that!!
ReplyDelete