I was just thinking how sometimes it's really nice to have help. But how it's a mixed blessing.
For example, I'm putting in two little native plants gardens out front. Now to say I'm doing it is a real stretch. For one, I'm not digging the beds. I may or may not be able to help get the plants....The only parts I can do are make garden plans, sit in the grass and plant stuff...and in my good moments I am able to weed a little too.
Today my friends/roommates spent a few hours working hard digging out one of the beds. It's really hard not to join in. I took some weeds out of the roses then I sat on the porch and watched them work hard for a while-even watching was tiring. I felt a mix of excitement and appreciation along with feeling bad that someone else was doing all the work so that I can have a garden. Partly, it's that I want to join in....but I know it will make me sick and I'll pay for it later; also, while they probably don't mind doing stuff for me, I don't always enjoy "being done for". In exchange for accepting help I lose a sense of independence and feelings of self-worth.
On the other hand, in the big scheme of things, if no one ever accepted help, no one would ever get to help people (which can feel really good).
I've had a fever most the weekend and my throat is quite swollen. The flu ache/chest ache is there too, but the fatigue is only moderate. I mean M.E./cfs moderate....not moderate for someone who's "well". If a "normal" stepped into my body for the day they would experience the worst weakness of their lives I would expect.
Joe and I also collected some rocks later this afternoon for the border of the garden. While I kept myself from carrying any big ones or walking very far, I expect I'll pay for it within the next 48 hours...still it was fun, and sometimes it's worth just saying "screw it" for the chance to feel even a little active.
My pole this month (on the right) will be about this topic of how hard/easy it is to accept help and assistance.
I agree. The other problem I have with accepting help is that once I do people feel as if they ALWAYS have to help me and then I feel like an invalid.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard getting help because today I need it but tomorrow I might be able to do some of it myself.
I also agree with you that it makes me feel insignificant, almost lazy to watch other do while I stand on the side lines and watch.
This is a daily struggle that we endure, isn't it?
I met this one last year when some neighbours of mine volunteered to tidy our shared yard after I had had to move some pots. I remember almost hiding in the house. I was mortified. But they enjoyed doing it. Try and remember healthy days when you helped someone and the buzz it gave you. Like you say, it can make you feel really good. And how sensible of you to manage your energy. The garden is going to look really great I expect :-)
ReplyDeleteI have a huge battle with yelling at myself for being lazy, even though I know I'm not. Sometimes people just need help.
ReplyDeleteYou manage your energy as you need to :)
I hope you feel better soon!
Gail--Glad you enjoyed moving that boulder and "yes" sometimes you just have to say "screw it", enjoy and take the consequences--resting and sick but a head full of good memories.
ReplyDeleteHelp--what a great subject to tackle and a complex one. We need it, we don't want to need it. We want to do it ourselves, we often can't do it ourselves. People like to help...but not "chronically". I look forward to your writing more about this.
I felt comfort in your description of "your" planting a garden. "I've" planted a garden in previous years--sat in the shade watching my family loosen and fertilize the soil and then take my instructions on where each of the plants needs to go. Always comfort in knowing we truly share in this ME/CFS journey...and that we garden in very similar ways! (Sometimes I can pick the veggies myself!)
Thanks for the comments. I think it's an important thing to think about - "helping" and what it means for the helper and the receiver. Dominique, you make a good point about people "always" having to help....somewhere I saw it written as "chronic helping".....I do worry about this for the people around me. I have decent days sometimes, but it's not like a regular illness where I'll get over it...it's chronic and this takes a real toll on loved ones who have to "chronically" help and support. I don't think I'd stick around. Luckily a few of my friends have.
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