November and December were terribly difficult months. My dad's health declined significantly over the last couple months to the point where he ended up in the hospital on December 6th. He was eventually moved to a hospice floor in a different hospital on the 12th where he died two days later on December 14th. I sat by his bed for much of it. He was conscious on and off especially the first 5 or 6 days but stopped eating (couldn't swallow) and stopped talking.
Since then I've done a lot of paperwork and caregiver/executor type tasks. Right after he died I was so exhausted I barely moved from the sofa for a couple days. I was so dizzy, lightheaded and exhausted, utterly exhausted. We've already had the funeral at his church in Kitchener, the city where he spent most his life so I've also had to travel.
How am I? Incredibly sad and now depressed. For 4 years this man has been with me for part of almost every day. While it was a struggle sometimes, especially recently when he required more care and was visibly suffering, mostly it's been good. I feel so blessed and grateful to have accumulated years of memories and times together with him. Not only that, but my dad loved me to the moon and back. Everything I did seemed to make him proud. To be loved and appreciated like that is pretty rare and I doubt I will ever experience it again. Importantly, having experienced my mom's passing 4 years ago I very often tried, and remembered, to consciously savour my time with my dad. I told him often that I loved him and hugged him lots.
Everywhere I go, everywhere I look lately I have memories of him. I miss him terribly. And to be completely honest, I feel done. I just don't feel there's anything left to live for. I don't want to keep going without him, all alone. For the last couple weeks I've been living in a daze, getting stuff done, but besides the waves grief and loss, feeling nothing for anyone or anything else - no interest, no enjoyment, no affection....just nothing. I just don't want to move forward. I feel devestatingly lonely without him in my life. I don't know how I'll move on.
