Stress

Well I'm done teaching my online course, so I am out of work for the foreseeable future.  Although am I really done? NO! I am still dealing with student issues.  Teaching (even graduate students) is not easy, and I tend to absorb stress quite easily.  Of course I can't share details, but suffice it to say - dealing with failing students - it's anxiety making.

On top of it all, my dad had a memory assessment and the Dr. wanted him to stop driving until he goes for a driving assessment.  This not only ups my daily load hugely, but my Dad is beside himself and he dumps his anxiety onto me, or tries to (e.g. talks about suicide).  He is also here (or calling) me much of the afternoon every single day. I'm actually letting him drive just a little because despite the fact I'm pretty sure he'll fail the assessment, it makes him happy and takes the stress level down a notch. I pray he doesn't hit anyone.

It would help him with the inevitable transition if he agreed to get involved in ANYTHING (he's been here a year and some) but we've had that argument so many times I'm blue in the face.  Besides the exercise class at his home, he refuses to join or participate in anything (a class, volunteer, an activity, a church, etc, etc.). Guess what he does when he's bored? Either drives around, or thinks up an excuse to go buy something (small things, but still), this is not a life.

So needless to say, sometimes I feel I can't catch a frigg'n break. Oh, and the dryer is going, the TV's not working properly and I am supposed to be setting up house foundation repair for July which I can't afford and don't have the help for (I have one friend who's offered a weekend). And given I often don't have the strength to lift my arms (literally), I'm not sure how the project will get done.

My one beacon is that I'm supposed to camp on some nearby islands on Lake Superior for 4 days this August. I am so excited/looking forward to it there are no words.

I know some people are better able to look at the bright side of life than me. I do realize that everything in my life isn't sh*&T, on the other hand, sometimes I feel like I got dealt a bad hand, and worse still, no matter how hard I try, the rain keeps falling.  There's so much I can't change, so much out of my control (e.g. my family situation, my health and consequent poverty/low income), that at times I just feel beaten down.

Life Sucks.

If it's not one burden or bombshell it's another. What's the point?

Living and Paying

I have been so busy working that I've not had time to come on here and complain (hehe).  Today, however, I'm having one of the the worst crash days in recent memory - just so so so sick. I need this outlet to share with those of you who I know will understand.

I've been teaching an online six week intensive Masters course since the beginning of May and intensive is the correct word. Even for a healthy person these courses are challenging to teach.  I won't go into all the details, but at one point I counted 23 days straight where I hadn't had a single day off from the course. That said, some days I worked only 2 hours, but somedays I worked 4 or 5 hours!!! multiple days in a row which for someone with moderate M.E. is crazy.

The only reason I can do it is because I can work from bed, and I don't suffer terrible cognitive dysfunction/brain fog like most...especially in the mornings when I work.

Then last weekend I went away to visit friends. I had rides both ways (3hrs) and spent the weekend WAY overdoing it.  I really really needed it. Between working for 5 months and the extra strain of dad-care and support, the stress had been building to a very high level. I was about to break.

I've been crashed all week since my trip not surprisingly, but today is way worse, I'm so sick there are no words...

So please send healing recovery vibes my way. My course is over and by next Friday all my marking will be done.  I have no work lined up in the foreseeable future so it's back to disabled/unemployed which might be the best thing for a while.