Thoughts on loss

It has been almost four months since my mom passed away.  Sometimes I'm hit with grief, like being punched in the gut, it's sudden and out of the blue, I lose my breath with the pain of it.  Other times it feels like a dull constant ache.  Outside the fact that I miss her, it has made me ponder a lot of things.  For one, very little feels meaningful or important anymore.  Yes, after years and years I finally finished my PhD, but in the big scheme of things (life and death) it seems to matter very little.

Watching my mom die made me realise how limited my own remaining time on earth is, and that I (and everyone) are headed towards the same inevitable end.  What lies beyond death is a good question, and one that I can't begin to make conclusions about. I truly hope death isn't final, but nonetheless, it is clearly some kind of end whether or not something lies beyond.

I am not trying to be morbid, but I think when you lose someone close, you can't help but think about these things.  My world is much emptier without my mom in it.  On the other hand, she turns up multiple times a day in other ways -- when I put on her clothes, for example, or see or do something that makes me think of her, or when my dad calls me by her name "Joey" which he does all the time.  While it's not the same as talking with her (which I do, no I'm not crazy), these constant everyday reminders of her, in a way, keep her alive.

So much has happened in 8 months that I have yet to get my head (or heart) around much of it.  Hopefully time will heal some parts of me that feel very broken.  Everyday I try to go through the motions of doing little things.  It serves to distract me.  But I feel sucked dry emotionally, dead inside.

And as for the M.E. part, I cannot understand how I haven't relapsed form this whole experience.  I've had some pretty horrible crash days, but still, I seem to bounce back to my low level of function.  On that note, I found some short term, flexible, part-time, (from home) editing work for later in the spring which makes me really happy.  For one, I really want to work a little, and second, I'm in pretty desperate straights financially and this little bit of income will be huge.

My dad is settling in still, and seems OK considering.  As he says "I'm 85 years old, I'm an old man".  His house sale closes tomorrow and I've started to get my head around managing some of his financial stuff so the stress has definitely diffused in that area.  Small blessings.

I really miss having the emotional stress relief that came with having counselling sessions through hospice.  I hit on a really great counselor with whom I connected.  And because I was a caregiver it was free!  Since moving here 11 years ago I've tried three people and none of them have been a good fit (not to mention the outing, having to drive across town, the inevitable crash etc. etc.).

For fun, here's a photo of my dad checking out the port …that grain elevator is huge!  He's been enamoured by the prospect of the ice breakers coming in to break up the harbour and then this week, the first ocean going ship arriving in port.

It's Over

Well one big thing in my life is now over.  My seven year very part-time journey to complete a PhD.  I defended my dissertation on Monday and passed…so outside of a little paper work (and a tuition payment) I am done with being an academic student forever.

Does it feel good? Well obviously it's a huge relief to be done.  It's still a little surreal.
Mostly I'm just feeling crashed (sick) and exhausted.  But definitly relieved.  No more tuition or medical leaves or accomodations to figure out, no more need to read more articles, no dissertation to write or edit.

I'm hoping in the next few months to find a little very part-time employment (from home?) to replace the time and energy (about an hour to an hour and a half a day) that went into my studies.

Back to a New Routine

The title of this post is a bit of an oxymoron.  I am officially living back home after a 6 month stint of mostly living at my folks, but things have changed with my mom gone, and my dad living down the street. I would say I've changed a whole lot too… both emotionally and in the way I see the world/my life.

The past six months were insane/huge, here's the summary:

My mom got very sick in August, I flew down to help care for her, I realized my dad wasn't up to much any more let alone helping my mom therefore to a degree, all of a sudden I was helping/caring for him as well.  When I came home for a two week break in October, my mom moved to a palliative ward.

When I returned from my break, I travelled there to see her every day, often twice a day, despite awful horrible symptoms/sickness because I wanted to spend time with her, comfort her.  On December 2nd, she died.  My dad wasn't up to being alone so I had to help him figure out where he might want to live, organize the sale of his house, deal with the executor tasks on my mom's will, empty a house of stuff, find my dad a place to live near me, pack everything he needed, take over most his bills and finances, move him….oh right, and during this time, my dissertation was going through review and I was grieving horribly (not to mention ill).

I've had a few near-nervous breakdowns after returning home.  For the first 10 days my dad stayed here with me and he needs an awful lot of attention and constant companionship.  I was impatient with him some of the time.  Now he is living down the street and so far it's working out OK.  I see him everyday, but I don't have to help him fix meals, decide what to read or watch on TV, remind him to bathe…I am still dealing with all his financial stuff, and keeping him company some, but he has his own space, and 3 meals a day, and lots and lots of people to talk to.  Surprisingly, he seems relatively happy.

Next Monday I defend my dissertation.  It includes a 20 min presentation and then people ask me questions for an hour?  It will be gruelling.  When I did my mid-way oral defence I almost put my head down on the table at the end because my brain was shutting down and I was so far passed exhausted. However, I know I can get through it…I just will.  Hopefully I don't get too dizzy.  I will sit for the presentation and will even sneak my feet up under the table for the questioning part which will help with the POTS symptoms…

I hope this PhD translates into some type of part-time flexible work mostly from home in the future, but if nothing else, after next Monday I will be done…finished.  I wonder if I'm the first to complete a PhD almost completely from bed? Seriously! I only attended (less than 50% with accommodations) two in-person classes.  The rest (online classes, papers, library, interview research, analysis, writing) all took place from bed.  I also managed to swing a record 5 medical leaves out of the university.  So wish me luck on Monday.